Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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