You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
