I faked an abortion last night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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