Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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