I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
