Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
