just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
