I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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