i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
