I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
