I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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