i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
