The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't turn off my feet"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
