it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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