new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
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I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
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Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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