note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
