Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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