the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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