nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
