I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
