my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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