no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
