i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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