We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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