Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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