1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
