I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
