it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
