After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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