Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I smell like Dick and happiness
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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