Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
