u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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