Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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