I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
