Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
