if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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