SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
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Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
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At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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