I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
