This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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