My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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