I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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