You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
