Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
