wakey wakey hands off snakey
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
