There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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