So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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