I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
are you so shy because you have an std?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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