my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
