Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
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Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
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I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.