If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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