An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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