This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
