i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
