I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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