Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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