My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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