I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Randomize
