Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
