I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
