I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
