We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
