So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
