It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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