He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
